Please help me with editing my paragraph and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10?

I'm afraid I don't have time to go thru your entire "paragraph", so I'll make some quick observations. I feel that it is way to long to be a paragraph. It would tire anyone out. It did me. It should be 3 or 4 paragraphs. Also, there are too many adjectives that are not needed. It is overkill. I hope this is of some help.